Last night I not only dreamed that I could fly but that I was a naughty little boy. I flew into an old Christian church and proceeded to overturn candelabras, throw down crucifixes, hurl hymn books, and cause as much damage as possible. Meanwhile, the two old ladies from the movie Babbette’s Feast humbly cleaned up after me.
I think this dream was inspired by my wishing to fly as I’ve roamed around the stage of the Scera theater during play practice for Hello Dolly. Theater’s often instill within me a desire to fly, what with their high roofs, fly systems, and so many fun things to play with for flying people. Some day.
I and my family were kidnapped by the Italian mafia. I decided to talk their talk, so I started swearing up a storm, telling them all how pathetic they were. For one who’s only said a couple of swear words in his entire life, this was quite an accomplishment. A double agent among them whispered to me that I was burning my bridges, but I paid him no heed. In the end, apparently, I hurt the mafia guys feelings, and they took off, allowing me and my family to escape.
Last night I dreamed that an alien fleet was hovering over the earth. Looking up at the evening sky, I could see them, a strange grid, high above. They fired a terrible blow at the earth, which caused the tsunami of all tsunamis. In the distance, I could see a giant wall of water heading toward me, threatening to put and end to all civilization. But then earth fired back at the aliens, destroying them all in one blow, and inexplicably, the wall of water turned into a harmless mist. It’s nice that, at least in the dream world, I’m immortal.
Teresa dreamed that I took her to court, suing her for “not loving me enough”. For evidence of this, the prosecuting attorney presented a video of cheese casserole, saying, “Clearly there’s not enough cheese. If she really loved him, there would be more cheese.” Teresa rebutted with, “We ran out of cheese.” To which he replied, “If you really loved him, you would have gone out and bought some more cheese.” This dream was very distressing to Teresa.
I dreamed that I was Gilbert Gottfried, and I was something like a jester at a fancy dinner party. Life was good. Then this menacing guy came up to me and, with a sly smile, intimated that I had better watch myself or the king would have my head. I thought to myself, “What? I’m the funny guy. The king can’t have it in for me.” That’s when I decided I had it in for autocratic dictators, and so next thing I knew, I enlisted to fight in the revolutionary war beneath George Washington. That’s all I remember.