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Utahans Are Stupid and Dumb – A Revolutionary Rant in Which I Expose Both the Stupidness and Dumbness of Utahans (who aren’t me)

The facts are in. The debate is over. Utahans are both stupid and dumb. Unlike everyone else (trust me, I’m an expert on everyone else), Utahans live in a bubble of ignorance, completely unaware of the REAL world (which, if you haven’t heard, is everywhere but Utah).

Point Number One: Utahans are bad drivers. Have you ever been cut off on the high way by a guy in a Ford truck with a menacing look on his face? Yeah … Utahan. Despite the fact that studies like this report Utahans as being among the best drivers in the nation, numbers have been known to lie. And it’s not like people in other states accuse their own cultures of producing bad drivers. This is clearly just a Utah phenomenon.

Point Number Two: Utahans are ignorant. We all know that Utahans don’t think for themselves but act as drones beneath the tyranny of their religious leaders. Nevermind the fact that putting one’s faith in the wisdom of others is in itself a cognitive exercise. Utahans are clearly the only people in the world … excuse me, the not-real-world … who do this.

True, according to Wikipedia (which obviously can’t be trusted), Utah ranks among the top 10 states for percentage of high school diplomas attained and is above the national average for attained bachelor and advanced degrees. True, as reported by The US Department of Labor, Utah ranks among the top 10 states for lowest unemployment rates (though it doesn’t take great minds to get real jobs). True, America’s Health Rankings reports Utah as among the top 10 most healthy states (big deal; all sorts of intelligent people have unintelligent diets). True, as reported in this study on a respectably progressive website (which could have been manipulated by conservative hackers), Utah has among the nation’s lowest teenage pregnancy rates and is one of the few states that mandates both sex education and medically accurate information. But all of these statistics are beside the point. I’m talking about that certain annoyingness in the way Utahans express themselves, that attitude that says, “I’ve been brainwashed” (unlike us non-brainwashed people).

Point Number Three: Utahans are counterprogressive. Utah has always voted Republican, which, by definition, makes Utahans heartless, money-hoarding, misogynistic, white-supremacists. It’s as if they somehow question the de facto benevolence of big government and the all-American values of Marxism. Despite the fact that CNN Money reports Utah as the #1 most charitable state (by far), there’s something egotistical about people who insist on voluntarily giving their money to others instead of letting the government do so for them (while taking its fair share). Despite the fact that Utah was the second state to grant women’s suffrage, the state’s sexist mentality that women have some innate biological preference toward motherhood over a business career is unacceptable.

Despite the fact that Census.gov reports Utah as among the top 5 safest states, who in their right mind would support the 2nd Amendment, as if defending one’s self inspired a greater sense of safety than the protection of the NSA?  Despite the fact that the Wall Street Journal reports Utah as having the overall lowest health care costs in the nation, what kind of heartless monsters would oppose a government takeover of the healthcare industry, as if a free market that inspires competition and innovation could somehow produce better results and lower costs than a single monopoly with fixed prices? Despite the fact that Entrepreneur.com lists Utah as among the top 5 best states for starting a business, innovation, self-reliance, and problem-solving are poor substitutes for a humble and altruistic reliance on government assistance.

Point Number Four: Utahans are bigoted. Despite the fact that Time.com reports Utah as the least neurotic and “most agreeable place in the country“, everyone knows that Utahans are intolerant of people who are different. What kind of ignoramuses would cling to their own world views and traditional values over the latest consensus of morality? Clearly such thinking is a product of hate. It’s as if Utahans, in their political and social uniformity, think unity is somehow a greater value than diversity. True, Time.com also reports the Provo-Orem area as the overall happiest area in the United States, but happiness is no substitute for social justice.

I mean, what kind of close-minded jerks sum up entire groups of people by stereotypes?

19 thoughts on “Utahans Are Stupid and Dumb – A Revolutionary Rant in Which I Expose Both the Stupidness and Dumbness of Utahans (who aren’t me)

  1. Right?!?! that is what I am saying men, you totally get me.

  2. As for the driving section, ever since high school I’ve had an explanation that for some reason everyone dismisses. That BYU and the UofU are colleges that bring in a lot of people from other states, who learned how to drive in their own city and then you throw them into the gumbo and say “work it out!” so of course people will complain of Utah drivers.

    Then people say to me, “Yeah but it’s the ones with Utah license plates.” Oh you mean the people who came in from another state, met their spouse here and decided to stay here and raise a family and buy a car here? Those people from out of state?

    1. Anyone who complains about Utah drivers has never driven in DC.

    2. Umm, the UofU and BYU hardly attract people from ther states and if they do, it’s people formerly of utah or with a deep connection to utah. These are the people who in ther own respective states are considered dumbasses.

      …and in case anybody is confused by these decent generalization regarding utah, it goes for both the MORMONS and NON-MORMONS. Together, they are called Morons. Non-LDS utards are THE WORST PEOPLE ON THOS HUMBLE PLANET!!!! Arrogant, smug, backstabbing, two-faced, self-centered, self-absorbed, selfish, etc. God, they are simply awful, AWFUL people. I hate when individuals paint a picture of Utah being an undesirable place because of the Moes. No, it’s an incredibly undesirable, intolerable place due to any and all the B&Rs (as I call them. That means Born and Raised for when you ask anybody in utah if they are from utah, which isn’t really necessary to ask since it’s impossibly obvious, they all respond with an emphatic “born and raised”.) Utah would be a great place if not for the actual Utahans populating the shithole that is utah. Shithole because everything’s human created or made looks like shit. People in utah, in responding to the lack of parks or ANY place for social gathering that isn’t fenced in, heavily patrolled by police, and requiring spending money, “they” will defeat boy say “We have the mountains!!! Just look…” Okay, you didn’t make the mountains nor do you maintain them well. Salt Lake City is one of the ugliest cities architecturaly with HUGE blocks with roads needlessly double and triple laned. It is a concert shithole with no soul–nothing redeeming at all.

      How do you know if a utard is from utah?!? Well, they hate making appreciable new Friedan at any age and, if they do, they require them to be an exact mold of any member of the clique of which they belong. It has nothing to do with being mormon since all Utahans are like that. They may invite you as a friend for a minute, but if you are from out of state inevitably the geoup will talk shit non-stop and passive-aggressively weed you out of group. How else? If the individual is speaking and has absolutely no idea what they re talking about and/or if they are compleltly wrong about which they speak!!!!! The louder and more assertive they are about what they are saying and the farther from the truth they are the more likely they are to be a B&R non-LDS utahan. Oh, the non-MORMONS of utah: believe it or kit, there is a group worse the MORMONS: the non-LDS of utah.

      1. You know that’s a lot of verbal hurt you just gave me. You must hate us imensly. I don’t blame you though. Some Mormons can be annoying and very seclusive. But our faith doesn’t believe in isolating others. We want to be friends with everyone and share our faith. We don’t want to force you to believe. I believe that if you just look you might find some good in us. Maybe you’ll find what your soul has been looking for. Don’t judge others over what others say about them. It is unhealthy. I don’t know what makes you hate Mormons so. But please at least give us a chance.
        Yours truely -kym
        P.S don’t forget how many innocent children might have chanced apon this and read it. You might have just condemned them to a life full of hell.

  3. This has got to be one of the most judgmental things I’ve read. Mormons are different, which is no excuse to bash a whole culture. Do you realize that this article is as close minded and intolerant of a select group of people as it claims this group of people is?

    1. It’s a satire 🙂

  4. You had me until the medical. Government takeover of the medical system is not only bad, but I hope your a millionaire because you will have to be if something happens to you. Like every other socialist country, the US is now going to do what everyone else does: Be put on a waiting list and chances are, you’ll be dead before you ever get that kidney you desperately needed. This write up is 50% true and 50% bullshit.

  5. Ive traveled this world countless times, been on every continent atleast once, dealt with every race, creed and religion and have never found anything like utah and its idiots….ANYWHERE!!!!! Look into a utards eyes, you can see the inbreeding and brainwashing. Try to have an intelligent conversation with a utard, really, just try. Utards have no imagination or problem solving skills, they cannot think for themselves and need to be told what to do. Lie steal cheat, do anything to make a buck because cash is king and they are not christian, but jews in hiding. Mormon jews are the dumbest people I ever met. Mormon jews have a deep seated hatred of the U.S govenment (who doesnt?) and just like their muzzy brothers, are secretly planning to make jihad when its convient for them. If it comes out of the mouth of a mormon, its a lie. Do not trust mormons with anything. They are liars and thieves that hide behind their fake ass religion. That church is a business and didnt become rich by being honest. This is the kind of thing that happens when you chase a problem away unstead of taking care of it. Gov. Boggs might have been right, but here we are 150 years later dealing with these idiots and their b.s
    With that said, people are not blind, society is noticing how messed up utard is.

    1. Ok. Now I’m really offended. How many times must I hear this!? Oh, god, have mercy apon these persicuters. For they know not your power. Or your deliverance. But they are children of the devil that hath no end whatsoever. Forgive them that they may return to you again. That they may repent and be whole. Deliver them away from the gates of hell. For they know not thy spirit. Have not felt thy love. Help them see the light and the damage they have done. Let them see the truth. That they have a chance to live again. For it is known that you can do many a great thing. That you guide the mouths of those of this faith. You give us hope, love, blessings. And I thank thee for that. Amen.

      Opposing facts: Mormons were the among the first responders when hurricane hardley and Irma came in. Among the fist to help those who lost their homes. We held refugees and gave food to the poor. Clothed the naked. And healed the sick. We gave hope to those in need. And what is the rest of the country doing? Sitting on their lazy butts. Watching the t.v and going, “well that’s too bad. I wonder what’s for dinner.” Where were you when those hurricanes hit? Probably playing video games on your computer. So why don’t you stick your nose in some other crap and leave us ALONE!!!!!

  6. John! Yes.

  7. Utahan here! How offended do you think I am, idiot! Where ever you are, curse you moron!!!

    Another Utahan here!!! What the heck is wrong with you?! We already get enough hate because of our religon! Will you flipping idiots give it up already?!

    P.S. If you think we have no problem solving skills, go talk to my brother. He has built a water powered engine and has his own 3D printer at 14 years old!!! As for the creativity part, I am currently writing a book at 13!!!

    Note: Why don’t you go die in the Utah Rockies?!

  8. What the heck!!????!!!!!!! What are you doing dummy!? This type of website it what makes people doubt their choices and commit suicide! And that was really offensive comment about the LDS faith. I know it’s not nice to call names but I must stick my neck out for my religion. You are not any better than the people you say we are. In fact if your trying to bring us down your already below us! What if I said the same thing about your faith! So shut the Frick up and don’t speak bad about my religion! I will find you.
    P.S You’ll be punished by the almighty god for this.

  9. satire –
    The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    Stephen may be the use of satires online is not the best way to expose how ridiculous and out there are anti-Mormons.

  10. Stuck here 2 yrs have been all over the world 60 years.
    “Mormon” is not a religion or a cult
    You are referring to a tax free multinational corporation dab “The church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints” extreme rich controlling ruthless
    more than you can understand unless you do some very deep research on your own and stop listening to people who do not know what they are talking or writing about.

  11. You do realize that through most of this post, you were just complimenting us…

    1. Yes, I do. That’s the nature of satire 😉

  12. Utah is the best

  13. I stumbled on this article because I’m dumbfounded by just how stupid native Utahns are.

    Utah’s issue is arrogance. Its arrogance was created by the nature of the LDS faith.

    Why learn, improve, or push the boundaries when you have the priesthood and the ‘power of discernment’? Exactly.

    and if you’re a woman you’re supposed to just learn how to be a stay at home mom and leech off of your husband but not have sex with him because you hate him because you got married at 21 after 2 weeks because you wanted to fuck.

    So of course that creates fucked up kids with breathtaking emotional and social problems. Breathtaking.

    Wanna know what Utah is good at? Depression & Suicide.

    Everyone’s depressed here. Provo is nicknamed ‘happy valley’ for a reason: Everyone is high as fuck.

    Either on Prozac, Weed, or their personal favorite: Opiates. Those fuckers LOVE Opiates. I guess it’s a loophole in their faith that they vigorously exploit…

    Anyway, point is that yes Utahns are stupid. They’re stupid because they are arrogant and their faith has led them
    to believe that they have the ‘power’ to do anything. As a result, their only objective in life is to go on a mission/marry a missionary, and pump out 5 kids back to back to cement a marriage that was doomed to fail, expose children to all of that dysfunction, neglect them because you are too young and have too many, and so you teach them everything you know, which is everything you know which stopped at 21 which is: The Church.

    The Mormons own everything. All the land, all the businesses, all the resources. If you’re a non-mormon you can go kill yourself for all they care unless they can squeeze another penny out of you.

    Because THAT is what non-mormons are in Utah: Income.

    In conclusion, Utahns are stupid, arrogant, and have severe emotional and mental issue. They are some of the absolute worst people I have ever had the misfortune of living with. Primarily due to their emotional instability and inability to handle real problems.

    If you’re an out of towner you’re income. Nothing more nothing less. They don’t even see you as people. Hell, they barely even see each other as people. See our liquor and soon to be weed monopoly.

    Do not raise children here. You will fuck them for life. Trust me.

    Nothing good comes out of here, except the warning to stay the fuck out. Utah is the Ukraine and Provo is Chernobyl. Stay away.

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